Adapting to fit your Gift

This whole thing is just a gift.

We don’t even know what this is all about yet we get so wrapped up. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are so intense and real but then later on when I am not in that kind of moment I feel like none of this is real and we are all just …maybe floating. Things are important but, they aren’t. I feel like my feelings matter but then, what really matters? One day we will all be gone. One day this wont matter. Honestly. It will have only mattered to me/to us in that one single point in time. So why do I let it get to me? Why is it so difficult to deal with? Why do we have emotions? Why does it feel like weight on me? But, its just a gift. We were handed a gift when we were born – and that gift was this journey.

I’ve been learning we have control over our lives and yet, even with my own given proof I find difficulty applying the control in certain areas of my life. I feel like I’m in this deep hole and in order to apply these concepts I need to put a lot of work in. but that’s just perception really, isn’t it? It is. And I know that. So even though I have my own proof I still hold myself back. I still build that wall. And why do I do that? Why do I build the wall? Is it too hard? Do I not really want the things I think I want? I often times find that when I have the things I want they feel difficult. They feel hard to deal with. I remind myself I am grateful for these things because I said I wanted them. And I do. I do want these things. I feel like I am a strong person, or I thought I was a strong person but I have SO FAR to go. I have such an evolved way of thinking in some aspects and such a primitive way of thinking in others. I allow things that bother me to overwhelm me.

Today I will begin my journey to change that.

Today I begin this journey of acceptance. Today I will start to stop. I will look at this baby and realize he is not a race. He is not a “hurry up and raise him” he is a journey for me. To learn that this is one thing I can not rush or complete quickly. He will grow at his own pace and I will have to accept that. Its funny because I want him to achieve certain things but then I miss his littleness. He’s 2.5 months old and I miss his littleness. I miss the newborn. I miss my baby. He’s 2.5 months old. How is this not new? How is he not still little?

But, this is just a gift. And he has been given a gift and I cant wait to open it with him. I cant wait to see who he becomes and what he will manifest and what he will believe in and what will make him laugh and what will make him sad. I cant wait to know him and learn him. I cant wait to nourish his soul while I hopefully heal mine. I want to heal myself so that I can show him that this is a gift and you have to treat your stuff with kindness. That is something I did not learn when I was young and I want to give him that opportunity. He is going to be his own little person – its so weird. I don’t control him, I don’t control who he is – I have to wait to see.

And while I wait and see I have to set examples and those examples include me letting go. Its time for me to let go of the anger, the defensiveness, the expectations. Its time for me to self care so that I can support him. Its time for me to learn to adapt. I want him to sleep through the night but, he doesn’t. He’s 2.5 months old. I want him to feel better but he doesn’t right now. I want I want I want. But…but…but…THIS is his situation right now. And I have to accept that and learn how to frame it in my own mind so I don’t see it as a problem but I just adapt to what it is right now.

I have to adapt.

I wanted to breastfeed him. I am psychotic about it. I tried all sorts of different things, but I had no real help – no tribal knowledge on it. I still think I can pick it up again. It consumes me. It sends my emotions into a downward spiral most times I think about. Ive never once not been supported in the journey we’ve ended up on. The only person who hasn’t supported me is – me. But then, if I step back…way way back…I realize that this gift is here no matter how it unfolds. Its still here. This child of mine is still alive, he is growing and laughing and living and he is here now. And he is with me and I get to hold him and hug him and bounce him and love him and watch him and make him laugh.

I have to take care of my stuff.

I am starting today. I am going to take better care of myself so that I can take better care of him. I am going to let go of these feelings around breastfeeding – offering my child nutrition and I am going to turn my focus towards his future and other ways I can nourish him. Other ways I will be able to help him grow and be complete. Other ways I can support him and allow him to embrace his gift of life. I want this child to be amazing at adapting. I want him to feel safe and allowed to grow however he needs to in that moment because this gift is fleeting – right?

I mean, we are here now and we feel like we count but at the end of the day, when the sun goes down, what has happened has happened and that’s just the way it is. And we need to be able to adapt to that. However we feel in our hearts to do that – but that’s really all we can do. I’m setting intentions to learn to adapt and to learn that my emotions matter but that its ok to let go of them. Its ok to not let them drive my behavior – to see them but to just kind of watch them pass. That I don’t live in a place where I am defensive anymore. I don’t live in an unsafe space anymore. My emotions are wrapped up in a past that is gone and I can never go back.

So I am here now, I can enjoy right now, I still have air in my lungs right now, I have a little boy right this minute that is a baby and I am going to miss this SO MUCH one day so I am going to hug him and smooch him and stare at him and laugh with him and try SO #*$&ING HARD to take away his physical pains so that he can just exist and be a baby right now. So that he can become this person, on this planet who will experience all these things. And these things are his gift. I want his gift to be way bigger and way better than mine.

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